Post your Funny Stories & Jokes here

[frake]

Pahabol

sa mga bosing na mahilig... ingat kayo! hehehehe

Job interview:
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis niyo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit niyo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!

[frake]

pahabol ulet

JUAN: Pare, ang bilis kong nabuo 'tong puzzle!
PEDRO: Talaga?! Gaano kabilis?
JUAN: 5 months!
PEDRO: Tagal naman!
JUAN: Tagal ba 'yun? Nakalagay nga dito: "for 3 years & up"!

"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"


Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang

Erap kausap ang Doctor sa phone
Erap: "Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone!"
Doc: "Is it choking?"
Erap: "No, it is Max's."
Doc: "I don't mean 'Chow King', I mean, are you
choking...."
Erap: "No, Doc! Serioso ako, Doc!"

lalaki: padre patawarin nyo po ako at ako ay nagkasala
padre: anu naman ang iyong kasalanan
lalaki: naka siping ko na po lahat ng hayop dito sa ating baryo
padre:diyos ko,sige iho sabihin mo lahat ang mga hayop na nakasiping mo at ikaw ay magsisi para ikaw ay patawarin
lalaki:aso po,kalabaw po,kambing po,kabayo po,manok po,baboy po,baka po,gansa po,pusa po
padre:hintay pusa ba ika mo
lalaki: opo bakit po
padre:di ka ba kinalmot
lalaki: hindi po,bakit po
padre:bakit ako kinalmot


kriminal: padre patawarin nyo po ako dahil akoy nagkasala
padre:sige iho sabihin mo ang iyong mga kasalanan at ikaw ay patatawarin
kriminal: pumapatay po ako ng mga tao
padre:diyos ko kasalanan nga sa diyos ang pagpatay,hintay bakit mo naman sila pinapatay
kriminal: pinapatay ko po sila dahil naniniwal sila sa diyos,ikaw padre naniniwal ka ba sa diyos
padre: sino yon

[businessdoctor]

One morning, Grandpa, Dad, Mom, Aunt Matilda, and Junior were quietly having breakfast.

Junior then asked Aunt Matilda, "Isn't Grandpa Mom's father?"

Aunt Matilda said, "Of course! Why do you ask?"

Junior then replied, "Well, last night I heard some noise. And in the other room, I heard Dad ask Mom, 'Who's your daddy?! Who's your daddy?!!'"

Mom and Dad just blushed.

Moral of the Story: Better make sure your walls have good sound-proofing!

[businessdoctor]

A farmer had ordered a milking machine for his farm.

One morning, he decided to slip his c0ck in the milking machine. He had a tremendous experience and had a strong orgasm!

After which, he decided to remove it but he couldn't. He looked around and found the manual. After reading the instructions, he fainted.

Instruction Manual read:

Milk-Mate 2000
>Powerful sucking action
>Patented spill-free system
>Auto release after 1 gallon

[kezo]

Nakahiga ang lolo at malapit na mamatay. Tinawag ang apo at binigyan ng huling habilin.

Lolo: Apo, kapag namatay ako, kahit anong mangyari huwag na huwag mo ibebenta ang 5 hectares na lupa sa likod ng bahay natin.
Apo: Eh lolo di naman atin yun eh.
Lolo: Kaya nga huwag mo ibenta eh

[emnaru]

An Indian warrior goes up to the Chief that names all the new babies and asks,
“How do you come up with the names?”
The Chief replies, “I look for events that coincide with the birth. If I see an eagle flying overhead, I name the baby ‘Soaring Eagle.’ If I see a deer running in the field, I name the baby, ‘Running Deer.’
Tell me, Two Dogs Fuc*ing, why do you ask?”

[mortalpitbulls]

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong E-mail
address:


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to
coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and
flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago,
there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail
address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile ... Somewhere in Houston ..... A widow had just
returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was
called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages
from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found
his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2005

Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones.

I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward
to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: It sure is freakin' hot down here

[mortalpitbulls]

BONGBONG: can we talk?
NOYNOY: who you?
BONGBONG: kapal mo! you deleted my number na?
NOYNOY: kupal ka pala eh. sino ka ba?
BONGBONG: gago! senator BONGBONG here.
NOYNOY: tae ka! why would i have your #?

BONGBONG: di ka ba talaga pwedeng makausap nang matino?
NOYNOY: di tayo close, you know that!
BONGBONG: ulol! we have a lot of things in common, tandaan mo ‘yan.
NOYNOY: magkaiba tayo.

BONGBONG: ‘di ah! pangalan pa lang natin, pareho na! bong-bong! noy-noy!
NOYNOY: tanga! anong pareho dun!? magkaiba ‘yon. ferdinand ka, benigno ako.
BONGBONG: see? kapangalan pa natin ang ating mga ama.
NOYNOY: bobo! junior ka, the third ako. malaki ang difference no’n.

BONGBONG: pati sa mga kapatid natin, may similarity tayo. ‘yong panganay naming si ate IMEE: saksakan nang ‘tigas ng ulo noong dalaga. kapag nagustuhan ang lalaki, nagrerebelde.
NOYNOY: sira! hindi ganun ang panganay naming si ate ballsy.
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha! sinong may sabing si ballsy ang tinutukoy ko?
NOYNOY: huwag mong idamay si viel, tahimik ‘yon.
BONGBONG: sige na nga. regards na lang kay kris. joke!
NOYNOY: namemersonal ka na!
BONGBONG: ikaw ang nagsimula!

NOYNOY: fault ko pa? sino bang sumisira sa diwa ng edsa? singapore your face! I’ve got two words for you: “martial law!”
BONGBONG: ah gano’n? babalikan na naman natin ang nakaraan? do not provoke me!
NOYNOY: really? here’s another: “marcos cronies!”
BONGBONG: pakyu ka! “kamag-anak incorporated!”

NOYNOY: “plaza miranda bombing!”
BONGBONG: “mendiola massacre!” hoy! wala kang alam sa history! si joma sison ang nambomba sa plaza miranda! ‘yon ang nasa libro ni ka jovy salonga!
NOYNOY: ah basta!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha naubusan ka na ng bala!

NOYNOY: noong panahon ng tatay mo, walang freedom of the press!
BONGBONG: noong panahon ng nanay mo, walang kuryente!

NOYNOY: marcos billions sa europa!
BONGBONG: whatever! hacienda luisita!
NOYNOY: engot! in five years, ipapamahagi na namin ‘yon!
BONGBONG: i don’t believe you! gawin mo muna!

NOYNOY: wala ka na sa Bagong Lipunan. wake up!
BONGBONG: wala ka na sa poder ng nanay mo, grow up!

NOYNOY: teka nga! bakit ka ba text nang text?
BONGBONG: eh bakit reply ka nang reply?
NOYNOY: ano ba talagang gusto mo?
BONGBONG: simple lang, state funeral and an honorable burial para sa aking tatay sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

NOYNOY: that’s not for me to decide.
BONGBONG: i’m not surprised.
NOYNOY: what do you mean?
BONGBONG: wushuuu! aminin mo, hindi naman talaga ikaw ang nagdedecide sa government kundi ang mga taong nakapaligid sa ‘yo eh!

NOYNOY: that’s democracy.
BONGBONG: that’s weakness.

NOYNOY: hindi ako diktador!
BONGBONG: oops, i’m sorry mr. symbolic president.
NOYNOY: sumusobra ka na! ang pagiging sobra ang dahilan kung bakit kayo pinalayas ng people power sa edsa. you’re way out of line!

BONGBONG: out of line??? no! we’re so back! isa sa senado, isa sa kamara at isang gobernadora.
NOYNOY: WALANG STATE BURIAL!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha, now you’re talking! fine!

NOYNOY: tapusin na natin ‘tong usapang ‘to. stop txting me!
BONGBONG: agad? i’m just warming up.
NOYNOY: maghanap ka ng kausap mo.
BONGBONG: may ipapakilala akong chick. 25 lang. maputi, mahilig sa jazz music.
NOYNOY: huwag mo akong daanin sa babae. sa dami ng problema ng bansa these days, women are the least of my concerns.
BONGBONG: talaga? ok. fine. bye!
NOYNOY: sandali lang!!! chinita ba?

Silence.. (Note: BONGBONG Marcos didn’t reply. An aide said, “Na-check operator services po si Sir.”)





Ni: Deck Manuel (Copied from FB)

[frake]

BONGBONG: can we talk?
NOYNOY: who you?
BONGBONG: kapal mo! you deleted my number na?
NOYNOY: kupal ka pala eh. sino ka ba?
BONGBONG: gago! senator BONGBONG here.
NOYNOY: tae ka! why would i have your #?

BONGBONG: di ka ba talaga pwedeng makausap nang matino?
NOYNOY: di tayo close, you know that!
BONGBONG: ulol! we have a lot of things in common, tandaan mo ‘yan.
NOYNOY: magkaiba tayo.

BONGBONG: ‘di ah! pangalan pa lang natin, pareho na! bong-bong! noy-noy!
NOYNOY: tanga! anong pareho dun!? magkaiba ‘yon. ferdinand ka, benigno ako.
BONGBONG: see? kapangalan pa natin ang ating mga ama.
NOYNOY: bobo! junior ka, the third ako. malaki ang difference no’n.

BONGBONG: pati sa mga kapatid natin, may similarity tayo. ‘yong panganay naming si ate IMEE: saksakan nang ‘tigas ng ulo noong dalaga. kapag nagustuhan ang lalaki, nagrerebelde.
NOYNOY: sira! hindi ganun ang panganay naming si ate ballsy.
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha! sinong may sabing si ballsy ang tinutukoy ko?
NOYNOY: huwag mong idamay si viel, tahimik ‘yon.
BONGBONG: sige na nga. regards na lang kay kris. joke!
NOYNOY: namemersonal ka na!
BONGBONG: ikaw ang nagsimula!

NOYNOY: fault ko pa? sino bang sumisira sa diwa ng edsa? singapore your face! I’ve got two words for you: “martial law!”
BONGBONG: ah gano’n? babalikan na naman natin ang nakaraan? do not provoke me!
NOYNOY: really? here’s another: “marcos cronies!”
BONGBONG: pakyu ka! “kamag-anak incorporated!”

NOYNOY: “plaza miranda bombing!”
BONGBONG: “mendiola massacre!” hoy! wala kang alam sa history! si joma sison ang nambomba sa plaza miranda! ‘yon ang nasa libro ni ka jovy salonga!
NOYNOY: ah basta!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha naubusan ka na ng bala!

NOYNOY: noong panahon ng tatay mo, walang freedom of the press!
BONGBONG: noong panahon ng nanay mo, walang kuryente!

NOYNOY: marcos billions sa europa!
BONGBONG: whatever! hacienda luisita!
NOYNOY: engot! in five years, ipapamahagi na namin ‘yon!
BONGBONG: i don’t believe you! gawin mo muna!

NOYNOY: wala ka na sa Bagong Lipunan. wake up!
BONGBONG: wala ka na sa poder ng nanay mo, grow up!

NOYNOY: teka nga! bakit ka ba text nang text?
BONGBONG: eh bakit reply ka nang reply?
NOYNOY: ano ba talagang gusto mo?
BONGBONG: simple lang, state funeral and an honorable burial para sa aking tatay sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

NOYNOY: that’s not for me to decide.
BONGBONG: i’m not surprised.
NOYNOY: what do you mean?
BONGBONG: wushuuu! aminin mo, hindi naman talaga ikaw ang nagdedecide sa government kundi ang mga taong nakapaligid sa ‘yo eh!

NOYNOY: that’s democracy.
BONGBONG: that’s weakness.

NOYNOY: hindi ako diktador!
BONGBONG: oops, i’m sorry mr. symbolic president.
NOYNOY: sumusobra ka na! ang pagiging sobra ang dahilan kung bakit kayo pinalayas ng people power sa edsa. you’re way out of line!

BONGBONG: out of line??? no! we’re so back! isa sa senado, isa sa kamara at isang gobernadora.
NOYNOY: WALANG STATE BURIAL!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha, now you’re talking! fine!

NOYNOY: tapusin na natin ‘tong usapang ‘to. stop txting me!
BONGBONG: agad? i’m just warming up.
NOYNOY: maghanap ka ng kausap mo.
BONGBONG: may ipapakilala akong chick. 25 lang. maputi, mahilig sa jazz music.
NOYNOY: huwag mo akong daanin sa babae. sa dami ng problema ng bansa these days, women are the least of my concerns.
BONGBONG: talaga? ok. fine. bye!
NOYNOY: sandali lang!!! chinita ba?

Silence.. (Note: BONGBONG Marcos didn’t reply. An aide said, “Na-check operator services po si Sir.”)





Ni: Deck Manuel (Copied from FB)

hahaha! nice!

[mortalpitbulls]

Si Dan Torres na taga Bicol ay isang TNT sa America, minsan bumibili sya sa isang convinience store, nagtanong ang cashier,
CASHIER: visa or master card?
Dan: sa isip nya, patay hinahanap ang visa ko
lumabas si Dan at sumakay sa kanyang kotse sabay takbo, naubusan sya ng gasolina kaya huminto sya sa gasolinahan,
Pump Attendant: pay first, sir.
Dan: naku hinahanap ako ng papers,
sa takot dali-dali syang umalis at naghanap ng pay phone, para tawagan ang tita nya sa Florida.
Telephone operator: ATNT, can i help you?
Dan: naku pati operator, alam na TNT ako,
lalo natakot si dan, nung makita nya ang dalawang pulis na nakapila sa telephone booth,
Police: are you done?
Dan: patay, alam ng police ang pangalan ko,
Hindi, makasagot si Dan, nagtanong uli ang police’
Police: are you tourist?
Dan: lagot, alam din ang apelyido ko,
Sa sobrang takot, hinimatay si Dan, nang magising sya, sabi ng police’
Police: be cool man!
Dan: waaaa, uwi na ako, pati lugar ko sa pinas alam nila.